


The Heist

by Caitybug



Series: Watford 99 [2]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: A Proposal, Baz POV the whole way through bb, Baz is Amy, M/M, Shenanigans, Simon is Jake, b99 au, baz thinks he knows what's happening, everyone else is a mixture, halloveen, it's time for the halloween heist my dudes, silly times, so don't try to hard to match people up, spoiler: he doesn't, unrealistic depictions of time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:33:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24172885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caitybug/pseuds/Caitybug
Summary: It's the fourth year of the Halloween heist, and Baz is determined to win.He thinks he has it all planned, that he knows Simon Snow through and through.Despite this, somehow Simon still manages to surprise him.
Relationships: Penelope Bunce/Shepard, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: Watford 99 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1699036
Comments: 39
Kudos: 100





	The Heist

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Theawkwardbibliophile](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theawkwardbibliophile/gifts).



> Hey guys! It's another silly installment of my b99 au. I hope you all enjoy!  
> (It's the HalloVeen episode... if anyone was wondering.)

**April 28th**

Snow lost my crossword pen. I know he thinks it’s ridiculous that I have a specific one, but I can’t help it. It’s simple, fits well in my grip, and easily writes in the small boxes of the New York Times. This pen is  _ perfect _ .

I know he is to blame. He doesn’t have to tell me. His red face, blustering voice, and overall panic proves my point. 

“Have you seen my crossword pen?” I asked, looking through my nightstand. I always keep it in the same place, next to the blue pen I use for sudoku, and the red I use when Snow asks me to help me edit any of his paperwork. 

“Uh,” he replied, scratching the back of his neck.

That’s how I knew. He was nervous just by my asking. 

“Maybe you misplaced it?” He asked, cautiously. 

I slammed the drawer closed and looked at him like he was crazy. 

Me? Misplace it? Not this, certainly. 

He ended up walking away to grab us coffees for bed. 

This is how we spend our Sunday mornings. I get the paper and his favorite scones (sour cherry, from a bakery down the street), he makes coffee and takes a shower. 

It’s very domestic, we’ve really hit our stride in our relationship. It’s been a few years, and moving in only made us develop more habits and routines around each other. 

I even tried orange soda for him (it was a nightmare.)

Anyway, Simon Snow lost my crossword pen. 

So I’m off my game. 

We are lying in bed, warm cups of coffee on each nightstand, Snow with a book, and me with the Sunday crossword. I had to use a pen he had in his nightstand. 

The ink keeps running out, so I have been drawing circles in the corner to attempt to bring the ink back to the tip of the pen. 

I sigh.

“You okay?” He asks, not looking up from his book. 

I hum in response. 

Something isn’t right, and it’s not just my pen (which has fucking dragon wings on it.)

“Dear lord,” I mutter, realizing what has happened. 

The clue in the crossword says “the tortoise’s opponent”. The answer is very clearly ‘hare’, but there is an i where the r should be. 

I know for a  _ fact _ the other word is correct. I’ve thought about it, just in case, but I’m not wrong with this. 

Which only leaves one option. 

They fucking misspelled a word. 

“What’s wrong?” Snow asks, poking me with his elbow. 

“There is a spelling error in the crossword!” I screech, attempting to fix it. There’s no way, however. It would throw everything off.

Is it too far to send a letter to the editor?

I’ll make a note to do it later. 

Snow is laughing next to me. 

“What?” I look up, and his face is warm and soft, it could give a grown man a cavity (me, I’m the grown man. I should call the dentist.)

He reaches over and kisses me, soft and slow. Smile still on his lips, and one of my own grows slowly as well. 

Until he tries to climb on top of me. 

“Woah, Snow!” I shout, pushing him off. “Not on the crossword.” I frantically straighten it out, making sure nothing was messed up in his attempt to woo me in the morning. 

He’s laughing even harder now. 

“I love you,” He says, kissing my cheek and leaving bed with his now empty coffee cup. “I’m going to make breakfast.”

I roll my eyes. Despite me getting scones, he still wants more. 

“Don’t make too much! We have lunch with my aunt today!” I shout back, looking over my crossword. It’s relatively unharmed, but I toss it to the side. 

A  _ spelling error _ in the fucking  _ New York Times _ . 

I pull out my computer and start writing an email. 

**October 31st**

_ Beep Beep _ .

Simon’s alarm goes off, and I immediately get into formation. 

I’m dressed and have my head raised on my hand, leaning on my elbow as he shifts to turn his alarm off. 

“Halloween,” he whispers excitedly. Quickly he flips over and shouts, nearly falling off the bed. 

I can’t help but laugh. 

“Happy Halloween, Snow.” I wink. He beams back. “You need to step up your game. I’ve already gotten dressed and everything.” I move the blanket, revealing my button-down and slacks. 

Even my shoes are on. I’m committed to the bit. 

“So am I.” He lifts the blanket, and sure enough, he is wearing a red flannel, grey shirt, and jeans. Only this fucking heist could get Simon Snow to wear clothes to bed. “AND,” he points behind me. “I’ve even got breakfast made.”

He reaches behind me, and I curse myself for not realizing it sooner. However, when he brings the plate around me I realize it’s empty. 

“What,” he starts.

“I beat you to it,” we hear from the doorway. 

“What the fuck!” I jump, turning around to see who is in our house. 

Only two other people have our key. Penny and…

“Shepard!” Simon says enthusiastically. 

_ Fucking hell. _

“Hey, guys!” He waves, moving to the doorway. “Sorry Si, they just smelled really good."

“It’s okay,” Simon replies. 

“How’s it okay?” I ask. Simon never thinks it’s okay to give up food. 

“Shepard!” Penny shouts from the further in our apartment. 

“Shit,” Shepard whispers. “Well guys, this has been real. I’ll see you later.” He waves and runs out. 

We all get a little insane around Halloween. 

“Baz, I hope you’re ready to-”

“Go down?” I interrupt. “I think you’ll find I’m at least five steps ahead of you, Snow.”

We are bantering back and forth, but it’s all in good fun. It’s too reminiscent of the days we would do this for  _ real _ . 

That’s not to say I don’t plan to completely annihilate Simon Snow today. He’s going to lose. Maybe even cry. 

But all bets are off on Halloween. We agreed, no matter what, we still love each other. But the heist is important, and we both plan to win. 

Well, he  _ plans _ to win. I  _ know _ I will win. 

“You really think so?” He smirks. 

“Yes, I do.” I push his shoulder. He laughs and lays back down, a light in his eyes as he looks up at me. 

“Don’t look at me like that,” I lean back against the headboard. 

“Like what?”

“Like you think you’re going to win.” 

“Well, I really think I am.” He laughs, sitting up and kissing my cheek. 

“Whatever,” I stand up and stretch. “Time for you to get ready to lose.” 

He chuckles and gets out of bed as well. 

“This is silly.” He whispers. 

“What?” It’s not like him to say something like that about the  _ heist _ of all things. 

“I slept in  _ jeans _ .”

I roll my eyes. 

“You made that decision, Snow” 

“Yes, to drive a point home.” He shrugs. “Worth it, I guess.” 

“You’re ridiculous.” I straighten out my shirt, making sure all bits are tucked in. 

“Aw babe,” he says. “Love you too.” He winks. 

I hate how much I love this idiot. 

We both leave the bedroom, Snow asking if we can stop for scones at the bakery down the road. 

**~~**

The first year Snow pulled the heist off, I couldn’t believe he got Captain Mitali Bunce on board. 

He promised to give her free overtime for a month, so I think that’s what broke her. It was too great a reward. 

I think she is just as competitive as the rest of us and wanted to take him down, especially after all of his pestering. 

I was on a bust with Micah that night, so I missed most of the original heist. I heard something about a pigeon, Simon wearing an adult diaper, and there was a broken ceiling tile. 

However, I did see the end. Simon was in an interrogation room, and he had actually managed to pull it off. 

Shepard walked in right at midnight with Bunce’s medal. 

I couldn’t believe it. 

When the heist happened the following year, I was even more taken back. Captain Bunce, however, had gotten a taste of competition and was determined to beat Snow. 

That’s how I got involved. She had me, Penelope, Shepard, Micah, and Agatha all help her beat him. 

It was exciting, and we managed to pull it off. 

The third Halloween we did this, however, everyone assumed that I would be helping Snow win. We were dating then, so no one trusted my allegiances. Snow didn’t trust I wouldn’t side with Bunce, and Bunce wasn’t convinced I wouldn’t betray her for Snow. 

Well, when they all had to call me an amazing detective/genius at Shaw’s Bar that night, it was clear I was in it to win it on my own. 

Last year I hoped to take a crown for the second time, but Agatha managed to take one over on all of us. 

She even faked losing a tooth to do it. It blew my mind, truly. I can’t believe she did it. 

I am determined for this year to be my year. My second year, that is. 

I love Simon Snow, we live together, and have a lovely relationship. But all bets are off today. 

It’s Halloween, and I’m determined to win. 

Snow follows me to the door, ready to leave for work. 

I can’t help but notice he seems off though. He’s had a weird energy all week. 

I’m sure it’s just because it’s Halloween. 

**~~**

At the beginning of our shift, Captain Bunce gives an important debrief. She lets us know what is going on in our precinct, assigns cases, and gives important updates. 

The only difference between today’s debriefing and the others is the way it ends. 

“One last thing,” she says, straightening the papers on her pedestal, “it’s Halloween.”

I hear a soft  _ yes _ beside me. I roll my eyes, but smile slightly. I used to hate Halloween, but the heist has made it more enjoyable. 

I am a sucker for a competition (especially when I’m destined to win.)

“That means it’s time for our annual heist.” 

Snow jumps up and stumbles to the pedestal (it’s a show sometimes to watch him walk. Both when he is clumsy, and when he walks normal.)

It was agreed we would all be up there to announce the heist. We wanted to show a welcome front to avoid any more surprise winners like when Agatha or I won. 

Simon, of course, decided to act like a fool because he’s so thrilled about this. He’s standing up there now, looking at me expectedly. 

I take a sip of my coffee before I join them. 

If I’m going to win, I need to stay calm. It’s not smart to get caught in Snow’s frantic energy, it’ll throw us all off our game. 

“Where is Agatha?” I ask. 

“Who knows.” Simon shrugs. 

She should be here, especially as the reigning champ, but for some reason isn’t. 

“For the heist this year, we are competing for a championship cummerbund,” Bunce says, pulling out what looks like a WWE wrestler would win. 

It would look really good hanging up in our living room. 

“Or a belt as normal people call it.” Simon interrupts. 

Captain Bunce gives him a look that says  _ you’re an idiot _ . To keep the bickering down, I decide to continue the conversation. 

“Whatever it is,” I start, making them both glare at me. “It is inscribed with the words amazing human/genius. The goal is to have it in your possession at midnight.”

“This year, we are not limiting the heist to winners from past years. So it is open to you all.” Simon continues. “Every man, or woman,” he nods to Penny “for themselves.”

Shepard has a glint in his eye, Penny looks bored, and Dev and Niall are in the back flipping through their phones. 

“However, I must say,” Simon starts. I smirk and continue the phrase with him. “Victory shall be mine!”

He stops and stares at me. 

“I heard you practicing in the shower.” I wink. “You can’t surprise me, Snow.” 

He smiles. What a fool, he loves this too much. 

Though I suppose I do as well. 

“It doesn’t matter because you’re both losing,” Captain Bunce interrupts. “Simon is too cocky, Baz is too blinded by competition, Shepard is too chaotic, and Penny.” She pauses as Penny raises both eyebrows. “Well as much as I love my daughter- she doesn’t stand a chance against me.”

“Whatever, I’m not participating.” Penelope stands up, gathering her things. “You all have fun with this nonsense, I’ve got work to take care of.”

I snort. I know for a fact she is lying. She thinks she can get one over on me, but I put a bug in Shepard’s ear last year. I know for a fact they’ve partnered up to try to take us down. 

_ Not participating _ my ass. 

“Yeah  _ sure, _ Penny,” Simon says mockingly. “And Baz here doesn’t look good in jeans.”

I give him a look. Out of all the comparisons, why did he choose  _ that _ one?

“Whatever,” she rolls her eyes and walks out. 

We dismiss the meeting and move to hang the belt in the middle of the precinct. I’m the tallest, so I reach up and tie it to the string. 

When I step down, however, the lights all go out. 

“What’s happening?” I hear Simon shout. 

“Who’s doing this?” Captain Bunce asks. 

Almost immediately the lights go back on. The one thing missing, however, is the belt. 

“You took it!” Simon shouts, pointing a finger at Captain Bunce. 

The heist always makes Snow brave (or braver than normal, which is saying something.) No one else would have the audacity to speak to a captain in that tone. 

“Me?” Captain Bunce responds, letting out a dry laugh. “Obviously you took the cummerbund!”

“It’s a belt and you know it.” He practically spits in her face. 

“Prove you don’t have it.” She glares. “I bet you have it under your shirt.”

My eyebrows shoot up- are they  _ really _ doing this?

“Fine, I’ll prove it.” Simon reaches to unbutton his shirt. 

Jesus Christ his dedication to this is unbearable. 

“Simon keep your shirt on!” Penny shouts from across the room. “We  _ just _ had harassment training!” 

He stops and nods, almost like he  _ only now _ realized he’s at work. 

A video on Agatha’s computer pops up. There’s someone sitting there with a horse mask on, voice distorted. 

“Over here losers.” We all turn to face her screen. “It’s Agatha Wellbelove.” 

I frown. If she has enough time to be here virtually, why wasn’t she here already?

“Did you really think you could do this heist without me? I’m the defending champion.” She continues. 

“Agatha,” Simon growls. “Why won’t you show your face?”

“Yeah, I have food poisoning, no one wants to see my face right now.” She says nonchalantly. 

“Oh god, are you okay?” Shepard asks from beside me. 

This has to be a ruse. There is no way this is true. 

“Enough!” She shouts. “If you want the belt, you’re going to have to work for it. On my desk is a list of things I need to be done. If you complete the task and show me a picture, I will give you a clue.”

The video cuts out and everyone clambers to the desk, grabbing a different sticky note and running off. I grab the last one.  _ Cancel my cable service _ . 

I groan and crumble up the post-it note and toss it in the trash before pulling out my phone. This smells like bullshit and I know it. 

Also canceling the cable bill is nearly impossible. Nothing is worth the torture. 

“I got ‘water her plants’,” Dev says from beside me. “What did you get?”

“Cancel the cable,” I respond, pointing to the trash as I scroll through Instagram. 

It doesn’t take long before I find her story, a pink ring around her profile photo indicating she is live. 

I click on it, and there is screaming and loud music. She’s got the phone pointed at her face, screaming about Beyoncé. 

“Agatha is at the Beyoncé concert at Madison Square Garden,” I say, slipping my phone in my back pocket. 

“That can’t be fun while suffering from food poisoning,” Dev mutters. 

“That was obviously a setup, Dev,” I say, looking around the precinct. “I bet Simon had something to do with it.”

He probably had someone help him. 

I’m walking down the hall when I hear him scream. I pause and see him waving at me through the glass panel on the door. 

_ This should be interesting _ .

“Oh thank god,” he says when I stop and walk in. 

It’s a sight, indeed. He’s handcuffed to a filing cabinet. Fake Niall is sitting on the desk, keeping an eye on him. 

Last year, Simon hired someone who looked exactly like Niall to help him win the heist. Unfortunately, it backfired, but it’s led to a very interesting situation in the precinct. 

“Hello fake Niall,” I say, stepping into the room. He nods in return. 

It’s really weird how similar they look. Fake Niall has slightly different features, and a weird scar from behind his ear to the beginning of his jaw. His face is also slightly flatter. But if you’re not paying attention, he could easily fool you. 

“Hello handcuffed Simon,” I say, stepping closer. 

“Please get me out of this. I promise it isn’t for the heist. I just, well, I really need to pee.” 

I scoff.

“You think I’m an idiot? You don’t drink enough water to need to pee.” I glare and step closer. “You pee once every two days, and you went this morning.”

“Fine, how about I trade you insider information? If you let me out of these cuffs, I’ll tell you everything I know.” 

I cross my arms and pretend to consider it. He’s not sneaky, I know exactly what he is referring to. The only question is, do I let him  _ know _ how much I know?

“What kind of information?” I ask, raising an eyebrow. 

“Well, first off horse Agatha was-” He starts. 

“Was just a ruse so you could steal the belt?” I interrupt. 

“Well, yeah,” Simon coughs. “But also-”

“Penny, Shepard, Niall, and Dev all joined up to form a secret team called the  _ tramps _ ?” I ask. I form it like a question, but we both know I’m correct. I’ve been creating this plan for a year now, it’s no coincidence they’re teaming up.

“How’d you know?” He asks, looking confused. 

I see fake Niall shrug beside me. He must have betrayed Simon. 

“I gave Shepard the idea last year,” I smirk, laying it on thick. 

“Like I said,” I step even closer to get into his space, “I’ll always be five steps ahead of you. You’ve lost the ability to surprise me, Snow. You’re just plain boring.” I wink at him, and the way his jaw drops makes me want to lick it. 

“You know what could really spice up a relationship,” fake Niall says from behind me. “Co-owning a multi-tiered-”

“Ignore him,” Simon says, waving off fake Niall. “Look, there are four of them, the only way we are going to win is if we team up. Imagine it, Baz. The championship belt hanging up in our living room. We would be a power couple.”

“Hmm,” I pretend to ponder. “Good point.”

It’s not, but I pretend to humor him. The four of them have no match on me, I could beat them in this heist in my sleep. 

Actually, I have, several times. They were very great dreams and have only fueled my methods as I planned this year's strategy. 

“I guess my response is,” I kiss him. “Burn in hell.” I step away to walk out, but turn around one more time. “Also I love you and I cherish you, but you’re going to lose.”

“You’re being really mean,” Simon states, faking offense. I’ve definitely told him worse in more serious situations. “Do it more,” he whispers. 

Maybe we both get off on this. 

“I hate you,” I whisper back, leaving the room as he gasps. “Bye.”

I continue walking down the hall when I see Penny and Shepard in the computer room hiding the belt. 

I can’t help but laugh, they’re so predictable.

I could stop them right now, but I have a better plan in mind. Better to have them believe they are going to win than let them in on my plan. 

I walk back to my desk, satisfied with where things stand. Captain Bunce is in her office, Simon is tied up, and the  _ tramps _ as they call themselves are preoccupied with taking care of my championship belt. 

I grab my cup of water and take a satisfying sip. 

When I see Dev and the  _ real _ Niall walk into Bunce’s office, I listen closely. 

“Hello Captain, something odd is happening in the break room. Can we get your help?” Niall asks. 

I snort, they couldn’t be more obvious. Halloween invokes a lot of distrust in the team, no one is just going to  _ follow _ other people to different places. 

None of us are willing to sacrifice control over our plans. 

“Why can’t you take care of it yourselves?” She asks. 

I notice the definite strain in her voice. 

“Wait, what’s wrong boss?” Dev asks. 

“What do you mean?” She replies. 

I stand up and walk to where I can see the room I know the belt is in. The door is open, and I can see one of the machines being lifted. 

I’ve got to hand it to Bunce. This is impressive. She’s somehow set up a pulley system to lift up what they had moved over the belt. 

But, how is she planning to-

Almost as soon as I start to ask myself this question, I get my answer. 

Two years ago Captain Bunce and her husband got a dog. They had too many kids (Penny’s words not mine. However, I completely agree with her), and they couldn’t handle the empty house. 

Therefore they got a bloodhound named Paneer. He’s been involved in the past three heists, I shouldn’t be surprised. 

It’s not hard, however, to get the dog’s attention. 

I look both ways and see the coast is clear as the dog runs out of the room, belt in his mouth. 

“Paneer,” I whisper, pulling a dog treat out of my pocket. I was prepared for this exact situation. “Come here, boy.” 

He stops in his tracks and runs my way, dropping the belt to grab the treat. 

“Good boy, I’m so proud.” I pat his head and grab the belt, slipping it under my shirt. 

Luckily Penny has already yelled at everyone about asking each other to take off our shirts and other clothes. I should be safe to make it to my desk, where I have a safe to keep it in all night. 

Paneer runs the other way, presumably to Captain Bunce (who is no longer in her office.)

I make my way to my desk and slip off my right shoe, which has the key to my safe in it and unlock it. After I put the belt in and lock it up, I slip the key back into my shoe and get to work. 

_ Good luck beating that Simon _ . 

“Where have you been?” I hear from behind me. 

I turn my chair around and see Penny. 

“Why do you care, I thought you weren’t heisting?” I respond, crossing my arms and smirking. 

We both know she is involved, she’s trying (and failing) to put on an act.

“I’m not,” She responds, glaring at me. “I’m just concerned about your comings and goings, as a  _ friend _ .”

“Ah, well,  _ friend.”  _ I say, putting a strong emphasis on the word friend, “I’ve just been working.” I grab a file and lift it up. “You know, that thing we get paid for.”

She purses her lips and nods. 

“And you had to be gone for a while to work on it? Seems like you would have stayed at your desk to work on it.”

“Oh no, it’s a gruesome one,” I say, leaning forward. 

It’s not. I know exactly what is in the file. It’s a kid that keeps drawing dicks on police cars. But I’m not going to let her have this one on me, I’m going to bluff my way through the whole thing if I need to.

“Oh, really?” She asks, crossing her arms. “And shouldn’t I also know about it?”

“Why should you? You haven’t passed your sergeant’s exam yet.”

“Well, as a  _ friend _ and  _ coworker _ , you’d think you’d ask me for help.”

I roll my eyes and turn back to my desk. 

“Well, I’m going to get to work, if that’s alright with you.”

She huffs and walks away, realizing I’m not going to let her in. 

I actually manage to work for a while, uninterrupted, before something else happens. 

“Uh, guys, there is smoke coming from the breakroom,” Dev says, pointing towards it.

“What’s happening?” I ask, standing up. There is smoke pouring into the bullpen. 

No one can get into my safe anyway, the key is in my shoe. 

Then, music plays, and I look around, there are multiple people in red cloaks coming in.

“It’s gotta be Penelope!” Captain Bunce says, pointing at her daughter. “It’s the Handmaid’s Tale. She won’t shut up about how relevant it is in today’s political climate.”

“It’s relevant as hell!” She shouts. “But it’s not me. I bet it was Shepard.” She points to him. “He also loves the show.”

“I don’t love the show, I love you.” He points back. “I thought the show was too bleak and dark,” he mutters to himself. 

As we bicker, the handmaids continue to surround us. 

“Guys, focus, they’re coming from everywhere.” I look around. “What are they doing?” 

I hear Penny ask Shepard where Dev and Niall are, and see him shrug in response. 

I’ve been friends with the two of them for too long to assume they’d do this. 

So, that leaves one person. 

“Everyone stop!” I shout. They all freeze, and I look at the handmaids in front of me. 

I can’t help the smirk that forms on my face. Simon Snow is standing right in front of me. His face may be hidden, body under a red cloak, but I’d recognize him anywhere. 

The broad shoulders, a tuft of bronze curl sticking out from under the bonnet, and he smells like my shampoo (he ran out and hasn’t made it to the store. I haven’t told him yet I love it, I don’t want him to use a different kind anymore.)

“Hello, ofBaz.” I say, pulling the bonnet off his head, trying to keep reference with the show. 

He smiles. 

“I don’t know what you could be talking about.” He responds, trying his best woman’s voice. 

It sounds absolutely ridiculous. 

“Well, luckily I do.” I turn to the other handmaids surrounding my desk. “Handmaid’s out!” I shout. 

They all scatter. 

“Wow, they really listen to you,” Simon says, watching them all leave. 

“You figured out I had the belt in my safe, didn’t you?” I ask, putting my hands on my hips. “You thought you could distract me and steal the key. But unfortunately for you, I’ve kept it in my shoe this whole time.”

“I did think that,  _ and _ I managed to do it,” He states, pulling an arm from under his cloak and lifting up a key that looks oddly similar to mine. 

He looks confident, but the pressure in my right shoe tells me it’s never left. 

I move and grab my key from inside my shoe and lift it in front of his face. 

“Well, if you’re so confident, why don’t you try to use your key.” He juts his chin out in that way he always does when he challenges me. 

I glare and walk to my desk, sitting down to put the key in. 

It fits in easily. 

“Hah,” I exclaim, “I told you you’re predictable. I-”

I stop. When I try to move the key it doesn’t budge. 

“Uh, it’s not turning.” I pause and look up at him. 

“Well well, I guess I’m not as predictable as you once thought, am I?” He says, attempting his best smirk. 

I bet he practiced it all week. He’s never been good at them, not like I am. 

“I bet none of you are going to be able to  _ predict _ what I’m going to do next.” He says, looking around at the room. 

Dev has finally appeared, standing to the left of Penny and Shepard. 

“You’re probably going to use your key and be a dick about it,” Penny says. Shepard bumps her shoulder. “What?” She asks him. “I’m right.”

“Yes, of course you’re right, Penelope. You’re so smart.” Simon responds, moving to kneel next to me and open the safe. 

He gets it open, which shocks me, but the safe is empty. 

“Wait!” He shouts. “The safe is empty?”

“Someone took the cummerbund!” Captain Bunce says.

“No they didn’t, they took the belt,” Simon replies, looking frantically around the bullpen. 

“Oh my god, do you think Niall took it?” Penny asks Shepard. “Maybe he betrayed the Tramps.” She winces, looking disgusted with herself. “I can’t believe I just called us the Tramps. What have I become?”

“It’s not him, I’ve got him locked up,” Simon says, looking around frantically. 

I frown at him. Did he really lock Niall up? 

“Don’t worry, I put a tracker on the belt,” Shepard says, looking all too pleased with himself.

She looks up and smiles, he pulls his phone out and the two of them run in the other direction. 

Neither myself, Captain Bunce, or Simon budge, however. 

“We should probably run after them,” I state. 

“No need, I put a tracker  _ in _ Shepard.” Captain Bunce says. “I slipped it in his morning yogurt.”

“Wait, you put a tracker in Shepard’s yogurt?” Simon asks. “I put it in his mac and cheese yesterday.” 

I grimace. 

“I gave him ice cream with a tracker in it as well.” 

We all stare awkwardly at each other. 

“Do you think he’ll be okay?” Simon asks. 

“I’m sure he’ll be fine.” I brush off. Not entirely sure of it myself. 

“He’s lived a decently long life.”

Simon and I both look at Captain Bunce with wide eyes. 

This heist really does bring out the worst in everyone. 

It only takes another moment before we all run down the stairs. I see Captain Bunce run out the glass doors and down the street, but Simon pauses, and then calmly walks in the other direction. 

I follow him. There has to be something else going on, he must know something. He’s not above running down New York City after someone to get a belt for a competition. He’d probably abuse his police privileges to do it as well. 

I wasn’t lying when I said he can’t get anything past me. He’s so predictable. I’m sure he thinks he’s being clever, sending the others on a wild goose chase. 

But not me. 

I’ve spent too long studying Simon Snow. I know him inside and out, and I know exactly where he is going. 

_ The case file room _ . 

He’s standing in the middle, wringing his hands together and facing the other direction. 

“Hello, Snow,” I say, walking into the doorway. 

He jumps.  _ Good _ . 

I’ve made him nervous. 

“Oh, hey Baz. Why didn’t you run after Shepard?” 

“You and I both know the belt never left the precinct,” I smirk, walking to where he is standing. 

We are talking, but I’m scanning the room, looking for anything out of place. He has it somewhere in here. 

“How did you know it’d be in here?” He asks, stepping closer. 

I grin and look at him. I just saw the box he is next to. It’s the only one not completely covered in dust. 

There’s a distinct handprint on the top, definitely made by Simon. 

“It was the safe,” I reply, stepping forward. “There was no way anyone could have swapped my key, but then it hit me- you swapped the safe.” 

He cringes but smiles through it. 

It’s a weird look for him, and it makes me frown. Is there something else here that I need to figure out? I thought I had all the answers. 

Simon is trying to throw me off my game. He knows I’m close and he’s nervous. 

“I assume you swapped the safe while dressed as ofBaz, and then had fake Niall put a lookalike in its place.”

He nods, confirming my story. 

“How did you get fake Niall to help you?” I ask, frowning.

“Oh, uh,” he scratches the back of his neck. “I may have invested in a pyramid scheme,” he mutters. 

“What?” I ask. 

“It’s kind of a long story, but really we are going to be benefitting long term from-”

“Please shut up, Snow,” I say, raising a hand. 

He and I can talk about his stupidity later. Now, I have a heist to win.

“So while everyone was figuring out what was going on, I assume he broke into my safe, removed the tracker Shepard put on the belt, and then led everyone else on a wild goose chase.” 

Simon’s eyes are wide, so I know I’m right. 

I’ve got him right where I want him. 

“My only question coming into this room was which box would it be in,” I say, stepping closer to the box. 

“Well good luck finding that because-” Simon starts frantically. 

“Don’t waste your breath, I know the exact box.” I move around him and grab the one I had been looking at. “The dust pattern is different from the others next to it.” I wink at him, and I can see a weak smile forming across his face. 

The nerves are setting in, probably because he’s about to lose. He definitely wanted to win it for a second time this year. 

Simon had to know that he’d never be able to get one over on me. 

I open the box and breathe a sigh of relief. 

_ It’s here _ . 

“You see Simon, I’m always going to be five steps ahead of you. You’ve lost the ability to surprise me.” My words are cold, but my heart is warm. 

I do love him, so much. 

“Weird take on a very loving relationship,” Simon mutters. 

I pull the belt out of the box and look up at Simon, smiling. 

“It’s midnight, so I guess this means I’m now the most amazing human/genius,” I smirk, knowing I’ve won. 

I do enjoy winning. 

“You,” Simon coughs. “You should read the inscription on that belt.”

I frown. 

“Why?” I ask, angrily. 

I look down at the belt looking for what it says. 

“What did you- oh.” I see it. “Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch will you… marry me?” 

The last of the sentence comes out as a whisper, my heart racing. 

I look up and see him in front of me, on one knee, a ring in his hand. My breath stops for a moment. 

I can’t believe it. I didn’t know. How did I not see this coming?

“Surprise?” He says weakly. 

Then I frown. 

“Is this..” I gulp. “For real? This isn’t a part of the heist, right?”

He’s shaking his head no but I continue. 

“I swear to god Simon if this is a part of the heist I am going to dump you so fucking hard.”

“No, no it’s for real Baz. Okay?”

“I’m so confused,” I whisper, looking down at the belt. “I don’t know what’s happening right now. 

I’m not used to this. 

“I’m so confused, I don’t know what’s happening right now- title of your sex tape,” Simon replies. 

I could hit him. 

But my hands are shaking. 

“I’m shaking,” I pause, “I’m definitely going to cry.”

He opens his mouth but I raise my hand to stop him. 

“Title of  _ your _ sex tape.” I smile. He beams back up at me in response. 

I don’t typically indulge him in his stupid joke, but I’m weak. Especially now as he is on one knee in this case room, wearing a flannel shirt and a goofy grin like it’s an accessory. 

An accessory I never want him to lose. 

He coughs, and I remember there’s more to happen here. 

“Baz,” he starts, pausing to make sure I’m looking at him. 

_ Simon Snow, I don’t think I’ll ever stop looking at you. _

“Baz, I love you.” He continues. “I love how smart you are. I love how beautiful you are. I love your face, and I love your butt.” He shakes his head. “I should have written this down.” He frowns. 

I shake my head. 

“No, it’s perfect, continue.” I step closer. 

I’m not lying. It is perfect. He could say any string of words right now and I’d say they were perfect. 

“I love how much you pretend to like Die Hard.” He laughs. 

“I like the second-” I start.

“You don’t have to pretend,” he interrupts. I close my mouth and let him keep going. 

I think I might faint. There’s part of me teetering on the edge, but I can’t let it take over. 

I have to remember every part of this moment. Right here with Simon Snow, the man I never thought I’d get. The man I didn’t think I deserved or would love me back. 

The man in front of me, proposing. 

_ Holy fuck. _

“You’re kind, you’re funny, and you’re the best person I know. And the best detective.” He sighs before smiling even larger and continuing. “And for real, I love your butt.”

“I love yours too,” I reply. 

As I said, I’m weak. I’m getting proposed to and we are both complementing each other’s butts. 

He does have a great butt though. 

“Baz Pitch,” He says, holding the ring out higher. My heart stops. “Will you marry me?” 

“Simon Snow, I will marry you,” I reply, and hold my hand out. 

He slips a silver band on my finger and stands up. I’m on him in a second, kissing him deeply and pulling him close. 

I can’t believe he proposed to me in a dusty ass case room. 

But, it’s also perfect, and completely us. 

I fell in love with him at this precinct, working cases and solving crimes. It makes sense we’d get engaged here. 

I hear the noise of someone coming in, and Simon and I move to face it. 

“Hey jerks, this dick just escaped so that oughta teach you a-” Niall says, then he sees us and pauses. “Wait.”

Simon and I watch him process the scene. My hand is on Simon’s chest, the ring clear as day. 

“Did you-” he points at Simon, not finishing the question. 

Simon nods. 

“And did you-” he points at me, again not finishing the question. 

I nod, smiling and pulling Simon closer. 

“Oh my-” Niall says, breathing quickly. 

He falls to the ground and Simon and I look at each other with wide eyes before running to check on him. 

**~~**

We are all at Shaw’s bar, after managing to track down Shepard, Penny, and Dev, drinks in hand. Even Agatha is present, covered in glitter and glistening from sweat, still talking about Beyoncé. 

“To Baz and Simon!” Captain Bunce leads the toast. Everyone raises their drink and repeats the phrase. 

It all feels very surreal. 

“To clarify, since Simon altered the cummerbund, no one  _ really _ won the heist this year, right?” Captain Bunce asks the room. 

“Mom!” Penny shouts. 

“Sorry, sorry,” Bunce replies. “Not the time. I’m so happy for you both.” She raises her drink to us and right as she moves to take a sip I hear her mutter “Technically there was no winner." She lowers her glass and says louder, "continue”

“Weird,” Agatha says, moving to the other side of Penny. “I didn’t even know you were dating.”

I give her a confused look. 

“Just kidding, congrats bitches.” She walks by and hits my shoulder and swigging back a gulp of wine.” 

I see her move to the other side of the room where she is talking to someone I’ve never seen before. 

It’s very Agatha. She probably met them at the concert and is talking their ears off about some weird story, or just fucking with them. Who knows. 

Somehow it’s comforting, and I can’t keep myself from smiling. 

I look down at the ring on my finger and over at Simon again. 

I feel utter disbelief that this is my life. 

“So, Simon,” Dev starts, “tell us everything. Did you call Malcolm?” He smirks. 

Dev  _ knows _ they don’t get along. I highly doubt he would, also it’s the 21st century and I’m a man. It’s not like he was going to ask for my hand in marriage. 

“Actually, yes I did,” Simon says, standing up a little straighter. 

I almost choke on my drink. 

“Wait, really?” I ask him. 

I don’t mean to sound so shocked, but also I am surprised. 

“Uh, yeah,” he coughs. “I got his voicemail though thank god. I don’t know what I’d have done if he had actually answered.” 

I laugh a little too loudly. I’m going to have to pester him later until he tells me what he said.

“Did you call Fiona, too?” I jokingly ask. There’s no way he would have done it. 

But the way his eyes glaze over tells me he did. 

“Uh, yeah. She answered, unfortunately.” His eyes still are looking at a spot on the wall, and he lifts his drink to his mouth to take a gulp. 

I snort and he looks at me with a small smile. 

“Worth it,” he whispers. 

A warm flush goes up my face.  _ I love him so much _ .

“Not to talk out of turn,” Shepard interrupts. “But I think I get credit for giving Simon the idea to propose.” 

“How’s that?” Simon asks, a wrinkle forming between his brows.

“Remember that day, in the kitchen?” Shepard asks. Simon shakes his head, so he continues. “We were eating and I was talking about yogurts. I had told you:  _ Simon, vanilla yogurt is good, but pair it with blueberry yogurt and it becomes even more amazing _ . I asked if you got it and you said yes!” 

“Yeah, I definitely didn’t get it,” Simon replies. “I just didn’t know how else to get you to stop talking.”

“Oh, speaking of yogurt,” I say, “you should go to the doctor. You’ve ingested several GPS devices and there might be something wrong.”

“What-” Shepard says, looking at his stomach. 

“Well, I actually decided to propose all on my own,” Simon says. 

I look over at him, intrigued. 

“It was on April 28th.” He smiles, I frown. What even happened that day? “Baz and I were in bed, and he was doing his crossword. He got really upset because there was a spelling error.” 

My eyes go wide as I remember. Was it really that simple for him? I thought he felt I was insane for emailing the New York Times (they never got back to me) but I guess I was wrong. 

Maybe I should apologize since it meant I got to this moment. 

(No, I will not. They know what they did wrong.)

“Wait, seriously? That doesn’t sound so huge.” Penny states. 

“I don’t know what to tell you,” He looks up at me and smiles, then shrugs. “I just knew.”

“Man, romantic epiphanies are fucking dope,” Agatha says, rejoining our group. The man she was with is leaving the bar rolling his eyes. 

God only knows what she did to him. 

“Thank you, Ags. They are dope.” He tips his drink towards her and they cheers before he takes a gulp of his beer. 

“Ah, yes, dope.” Captain Bunce says. Everyone looks at her. “Congratulations. I’m so happy you two are getting married.” She raises her glass. 

“We’re getting married,” I whisper, looking at Simon. His smile is blinding and he looks at me, repeats what I said, and we kiss. 

I can’t believe I’m kissing my  _ fiancé _ Simon Snow. 

“And no one won the heist.” I hear her mutter again. 

Simon and I break apart right when Penny shouts at her mom. 

“Oh dear lord do shut up mom.” 

I snort and Simon joins in with the laughter. 

I guess I could concede a win of the heist this year if it means getting engaged. 

_ I’m engaged to Simon Snow.  _

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed.  
> If you want more of these, let me know. Have a specific episode in mind? Or situation? Drop it down in the comments!
> 
> Feel free to come talk to me about b99 or Carry On on Tumblr. 
> 
> [Caitybuglove23](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)


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